One of my favorite times of the year is the week following Valentine’s Day. Yes, after Valentine’s Day. Why you ask? The discount candy? There’s no longer an hour wait to get into Chili’s? Everyone stops wearing red? Did I mention the discount candy? I love all of the above but the real reason the week after Valentine’s Day is awesome? Four words: Dumb Valentine’s Day Criminals.
Every year, people decide to make grand “romantic” gestures in the way of home invasion and vandalism. I began my love affair with Dumb Valentine’s Day Criminals when I was in high school. One of my friends, who shall remain nameless due to extreme embarrassment, decided to confess his love for a very popular girl by lighting her lawn on fire. His big romantic gesture back”fired” in every way possible. He meant to draw a lovely heart on the lawn but instead ended up with an inferno when he didn’t calculate how dry the grass was. He was promptly arrested for arson. Thankfully he was soon released when the girl’s parents and the police realized he was just a stupid boy trying to impress a girl and not an actual vandal.
Ever since that fateful Valentine’s Day, I’ve always enjoyed sitting down and going through the long list of giant Valentine fails on the Internet. But this year, my favorite romance flub once again happened to one of my close friends. It had all the elements of an incredible Valentine’s Day date: a new girlfriend, roses, chocolate, and oh yeah, mace. My friend, let’s call him Bob, just started dating a new girl, Jenny. In the hopes of being romantic on the level of Lloyd Dobbler from Say Anything… or Hugh Grant from every Hugh Grant movie, Bob decided to go to Jenny’s house and cover the place in white rose petals and boxes of her favorite chocolate. There were only two problems with his plan: he didn’t have a key and he is kind of a dunce. So, Bob heads over to her place, finds the door locked so he lets himself in through a cracked window. Jenny is nowhere to be seen so Bob starts lovingly decorating the place with flowers and chocolate. He’s about finished when he hears a noise behind him. As he turns around, he sees a very old woman standing in front of him before he’s hit full force with industrial strength mace. It was only later that Bob found out that he had broken into Jenny’s neighbor’s apartment, a paranoid woman who had a security system with a police panic button installed. So while Bob was decorating the place with goodies, the cops were already on their way.
My friend was again, thankfully let go with no charges. But some aren’t so lucky. Do you have any funny Dumb Valentine’s Day Criminal stories? Leave me a comment below!