First of all, I’m sure you don’t recognize me. I was in your house just the other day, installing that new appliance or painting the guest room, but I made every effort to appear normal. Or maybe I wasn’t. Maybe I was just walking by, checking out potential targets. I really like the computer, big TV, and game systems in full view of your front windows; thanks for showing me what nice things you have. Thank you for broadcasting your affluence with the ostentatious decorations and over-the-top pageantry. I see you’ve got an alarm system, thanks to that glass entrance and the visible control panel. It doesn’t hide that you haven’t set it, so I can just walk right in. You’ve made this much easier, thank you. Oh, thanks for not having dogs; they can be scary!
Thank you for posting your vacation plans on Facebook with no privacy options set. I just looked up your address, and I’m on my way. Thanks to the growing pile of papers on your driveway, I saw that you were on vacation. I left a flyer on your doorstep to see how long it would stay before you took it away. Thank you for not asking your neighbor to watch your house for these things and make some tracks; I could tell no one would be at home because of all the fresh snow. Thank you for not even bothering to put your lights on a timer when you’re out of town. It’s so easy to see you’re not there.
Now, I know I didn’t look anything like a thief when I was asking for directions a couple days ago, but I appreciate your not checking the bathroom window after I unlocked it when I was in there. If I didn’t get to unlock one, I might break a window, but just one. Maybe your neighbor hears the sound and waits to hear it again; he won’t. He’ll go back to what he was doing, while I’m already in the house. Thank you for not putting sensors on the second-story windows. I know it seems like too much work, but it really isn’t.
Hey, thank you for hiding your jewelry in the sock drawer, I always check there. And you’ve got your other valuables in a safe, eh? I don’t have the time to crack it now, but since it’s not bolted down, I’ll just take it with me and work on it later. Oh, and by the way, thank you for not getting to know your neighbor. That means he probably won’t care much when he sees my car outside your house. Finally, thank you for not worrying about setting your alarm system or locking your door. I know you thought you were just going for a little grocery shopping, but it’s clear you don’t care much about home security. I won’t be here when you come back, but you have my sincere thanks.